On the drive to school, Buddy and I were talking about his dream the night before. He tells us every morning that he dreamed about Jesus. Sometimes it's Baby Jesus, sometimes it's growed-up Jesus and Spiderman- most nights just Jesus. We aren't sure if he really does dream about Jesus every night or if he just enjoys how happy it makes us to hear that- but it's fun to talk about anyway. So the other morning when he told me about his dream, this conversation followed.
Me: Do you know where Jesus lives?
Buddy: Yeah! In heaven!
Me: Yeah, he does- but do you know where else he lives?
Buddy: (shakes his head no)
Me: He lives in your heart!
Buddy: (pointing at his chest and making a confused face) In MY heart? In Bug's heart too?
Me: Yeah! He does- and in Mommy and Daddy's hearts too. He chooses to live in all of us who love him!
Buddy: Ohhhhh! (thinks for a few minutes quietly, then-) I glad I go to your house now.
Me: Me too. But what do you mean?
Buddy: I glad I go to your home for Jesus.
Me: Yeah? Can you tell me more? I don't know what you mean. (I thought I did, but wanted to hear more)
Buddy: I not at Aunt Sharon's house now. I at your house.
Me: Did you know Jesus when you were at Aunt Sharon's house?
Buddy: No- I glad I go to your house so I know Jesus now. He live in my heart now.
Me: Me too, Buddy. And it's your house too! You live there and we're a family so it's your house now too.
Buddy: Oh!! Okay!
He thought quietly for a while. He hadn't mentioned his aunt or anything from life pre-Mankin for MONTHS and I thought it was the right time since he wanted to talk about it to ask.
Me: Buddy, do you ever miss Aunt Sharon?
Buddy: Uhh- no I just want her to not be sick anymore.
Me: Yeah me too. We need to remember to pray for her like we used to do, huh?
Buddy: Yeah.
Me: Do you ever wish you still lived there with Aunt Sharon?
Buddy: No, but now I live with you and Daddy so I have Jesus in my heart now.
Me: Yeah, that's good. I'm happy you're my family now. Do you remember your Mom and Dad from before?
Buddy: Ummm...I don't member cause I just a little kid.
Me: Yeah, that's okay. That's alright.
Buddy: Do you know them?
Me: No, I have never met them.
Buddy: Oh. (thinks for a while, looks out the window and then very seriously) Mommy. I just don't know who my family is!
Me: I bet you do. Who do you think your family is, Bud?
Buddy: Ohhhh! You and Daddy and Bug and Gigi and Poppa and Baba and Poppi and...
Me: That's right! And no matter what we will always, always be your family!
He went on to talk about turning five and who he wanted to invite to his birthday party and the Flash toy he wants to get for his birthday. I went on to spend the day thinking about just how much really goes inside of my little man's head and heart. He just recently (last week) made the connection that even when he makes a sad choice, we still love him. He'd been telling us he loves us and becoming extra affectionate anytime we'd correct his brother and we'd been dismissing it as him being a four-year-old who was capitalizing on an opportunity to be "the good kid" in our eyes. But recently it clicked and we had a very telling conversation with him. Now if Bug goes to timeout or is told "no," Buddy lets us know that, "Mommy and Daddy still love us even if we make a sad choice. It just make Mommy and Daddy sad. But they still love us."
It hurts my heart deeply that truths of family and unconditional love are concepts his little self is required to sort out right now. The above, super-poignant discussion is rare. His sorting out is primarily done through testing and mean faces and shaking his head no when we say we love him. Every ounce of me wants to disprove every misguided impression that's been made on him-and we're both determined to do just that.
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