After spending a long weekend in Austin with my husband and my family, self-reflection inevitably ensues. Being around A. one's family causes one (or at least me) to remember where one has come from and evaluate where one currently is and B. in Austin, TX causes one to wonder what they are doing working in a cubicle in the middle of Wichita, KS-where there are no giant, gorgeous lakes, incredible music scenes, no Tex-Mex and no where near the ratio of thrill-seeking citizens inhabiting the city as there are in ATX. Point B doesn't have a lot to do with this blog entry, but I did wonder it.
For sometime now I've had a stirring within me to "invest in the eternal." These words have pulsed through my brain over and over again for well over eight months now and I know that He means for me to meditate on them and apply this mindset to every bit of my living.
With each purchase, block of time spent, ounce of energy exerted, conversation had, I've begun to question, "Is this an investment in the eternal? In something of eternal importance? This throw pillow I love and think I need is fabulous, but could those dollars not be better invested in creating a feast at my dining room table to share with friends who are perhaps lonely or simply in need of deeper relationships? This time I'm spending _______, could it be better spent praying? Reading something fruitful? Learning from someone I admire?" Thinking in these terms has caused me to think/be/live more in the now. My Jesus has forgiven me for who I was and has a plan for where He'll lead me, after all. It seems logical to be present now and to be so in a way which glorifies Him.
I've found that when others talk of furthering education, taking trips, going on adventures, dreaming big- a little voice in my mind poo-poos them a bit. I'm not saying this in pride, it's more embarrassing really. Somewhere along this quest to invest eternally I developed a judgmental attitude towards others and am in no way proud of that. Since realizing this development, I've also realized that I've done away with dreams for me too. I joke about being named "Dr. Van Mankin" (said in my best German accent), but when I think about the hours and thousands it would require to obtain said name (I'm not after a title, but LOVE education, learning and have always dreamed about being a renowned anthropologist) I think about hours and thousands which could be invested in people, in prayer, into kiddos who need a Mommy present-like really present for them. I used to dream of traveling to Africa and to South America, but tell myself that God will let me tour these places more thoroughly than I'd ever dream of doing in during a 10-day vacation, once I get to Heaven.
There's something sort of noble about willingly laying one's dreams in the grave for the sake of the Kingdom, but is it right? I mean, didn't God create me to HAVE dreams, to thrive on change and adventure and knowledge? Am I not denying who He made me to be, fearfully and wonderfully made, by burying those hopes?
I'm still kind of sorting this out, but I feel myself inching towards a righter place. Instead of euthanizing my ambitions, I'm choosing to acknowledge them and dream of them once more by telling them to my Father in Heaven. It's an act of submitting all that I once held dear, not murdering it. I'm turning over these big ideas to the big idea realizer and sharing in them with him. Doesn't He want to know about all of this anyway? I imagine him grinning and nodding as I ramble about Victoria Falls and Machu Picchu, all the while plotting ways he can deliver.
I feel slightly refreshed with this new arrival. Maybe I just needed to be willing to lay some of this down before I could realize that He wants to use me- ALL of me, crazy dreams included- to do work! God uses all types for his work...even the ethnography-writing, foster-momming, primatology-studying, curtain-stitching types. I'm sure it's a really fundamental idea, but this is how I needed to reach it.
Also, this video below has encouraged me to make a "Dream Board" so I don't lose sight of all that I find interesting and exciting.
What are your thoughts?
Where do you dream about going? Becoming?
Have you ever nay-sayed yourself in these ways with good intentions but in turn denied a piece of you from being who you're supposed to be?
1 comment:
LOVE your post!! I immediately thing of the verse in scripture that says our bodies are to be a "living sacrifice". When I first had Leah, someone reminded me that in my exhaustion, learning to care for another human being before my own needs, my body changing, (and my body's sole purpose for the time being was for said human...)as a mother, that God even uses my body to teach me that His plans are better than mine! I have a knack for classroom teaching. It always felt like I was using my gifts from God when I was teaching my students. Now that I'm a mom, (which I always desired too, ) I can see that God's plans and timing were perfect. I don't feel like I sold out, I don't feel like i'm missing out and I don't feel like my gifts are being wasted or put on the back burner. I'm fulfilled like nothing ever before.
I don't think you're giving up on any dreams, just as I don't think i'm giving up on mine. It's refreshing and encouraging to know that God is using us for His plans. You know, you have studied cultures and people..and love it. It makes sense that you're being used as a foster mom. You never know who's gonna show up at your door. In my mind, that's not an adventure most people are willing to take. Maybe for now, this is how God's allowing you to use your knowledge and your gifts in service to Him.
And you know, you can certainly have the kids call you, Dr. Van Mankin.
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