In the past, and again recently I’ve found myself very hurt by my co-workers. I’ve told myself on multiple occasions that I would grow thicker skin and remind myself that my affirmation doesn’t come from them-I’ve got wonderful friends and family who bless me with that! Well, the thicker skin hasn’t come, and once again I find myself hurt.
This last week, in particular, I’ve been taking shorter lunches, eating them at my desk, escaping to “run an errand” and diligently wearing my head phones to ward off any one who may want to come by to visit. I’ve been self-protecting. I’m sure at a very base, psychological level this is natural-instinctual even. But today, I feel really uneasy about it.
I sat at my desk today with my head phones on (-there was no music playing in them, I was really just sending a message) and ate my lunch as I read a book. I read about the love that Christ has for me and the security I can feel knowing this. I read on about how nothing I do will make him love me more and nothing I can do will make him love me less. It’s a striking reality I get to live out everyday! I sat in my swivel chair, my back protecting me from the office world behind me and felt very big with this knowledge-until one of my offenders passed by and filled my peripheral vision. My giddy, smiley feeling faded as I asked myself: Does she get to live out this reality?
As I sat sulking and guarding my heart, one of my Father’s children went about her day-and she has no idea how loved she is. She has no idea that she is thought of and longed for by the Creator of our universe. And here I am, sitting, reveling in this truth, alone. I reminded myself a bit of one of my dogs, hoarding a chew toy and growling at whoever came near to share it. My actions may be some kind of instinctual reaction, but they in no way mirror the heart of my Father. My choices were motivated by fear and selfishness!
This realization leads me more questions. Where did I get the idea that these “boundaries” I set up for myself to avoid being bruised or wounded are just? Hurt comes and it hurts. As it turns out, attacks on my work ethic and gossipy words are very fleeting- the comfort and love of our Father is everlasting. Shouldn’t I find solace here-not sending out waves of radio silence?
Once again, I find that God’s love is perfect and good. Today He disciplined me and motivated me not out of guilt or a need to prove anything to Him-but out of love and the insatiable desire to share this insane gift with His creation. Don't you just LOVE that about Him?!
1 Chronicles 16:34 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
This last week, in particular, I’ve been taking shorter lunches, eating them at my desk, escaping to “run an errand” and diligently wearing my head phones to ward off any one who may want to come by to visit. I’ve been self-protecting. I’m sure at a very base, psychological level this is natural-instinctual even. But today, I feel really uneasy about it.
I sat at my desk today with my head phones on (-there was no music playing in them, I was really just sending a message) and ate my lunch as I read a book. I read about the love that Christ has for me and the security I can feel knowing this. I read on about how nothing I do will make him love me more and nothing I can do will make him love me less. It’s a striking reality I get to live out everyday! I sat in my swivel chair, my back protecting me from the office world behind me and felt very big with this knowledge-until one of my offenders passed by and filled my peripheral vision. My giddy, smiley feeling faded as I asked myself: Does she get to live out this reality?
As I sat sulking and guarding my heart, one of my Father’s children went about her day-and she has no idea how loved she is. She has no idea that she is thought of and longed for by the Creator of our universe. And here I am, sitting, reveling in this truth, alone. I reminded myself a bit of one of my dogs, hoarding a chew toy and growling at whoever came near to share it. My actions may be some kind of instinctual reaction, but they in no way mirror the heart of my Father. My choices were motivated by fear and selfishness!
This realization leads me more questions. Where did I get the idea that these “boundaries” I set up for myself to avoid being bruised or wounded are just? Hurt comes and it hurts. As it turns out, attacks on my work ethic and gossipy words are very fleeting- the comfort and love of our Father is everlasting. Shouldn’t I find solace here-not sending out waves of radio silence?
Once again, I find that God’s love is perfect and good. Today He disciplined me and motivated me not out of guilt or a need to prove anything to Him-but out of love and the insatiable desire to share this insane gift with His creation. Don't you just LOVE that about Him?!
1 Chronicles 16:34 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
2 comments:
I can relate to this in so many ways. Unfortunately I didn't look where you looked. I chose to be hurt and angry. Your post has made me see my situation differently.
Emily C. is my good friend. She told me about you a long time ago, she thought we should meet for coffee or something...
But really, I need a church. I need friends who believe. I need fellowship and so does my best friend and partner, and our two young daughters. We have hopped for a while now. I was just curious of where you go to church?
Thank you,
kali
thank you for the look into your heart and life, V.
cb
Post a Comment