I have no back up plan.

I keep snacks in my drawer at work in case I don't have time to make a lunch in the morning.  I keep an extra chap stick in every purse I carry on a regular basis so that I'll have it there regardless of which purse I choose to carry.  I bring my most important pieces of work home with me every night, because you never know what may happen and should I need to work at home I can.  I'm not known for being a "plan ahead" kind of person-but I like to have a backup plan.

This weekend I was thinking about different people who I've either known or known of who have dealt with the loss of a their spouse in one way or another.  Now that I am married, stories of husbands and dads who pass away or choose to leave have a much stronger effect on me.  As a married woman, my husband is a part of the vast majority of  every thought and decision I have and make!  Some of my scariest darkest nightmares involve my life without my Grant.  Waking up from such dreams, I try to assure myself by picturing my life on my own-trying to imagine where I would go and who I would be.  Since this is IMPOSSIBLE for me to do, I am left to roll over and cry to Grant and allow him to comfort me and assure me that he's not going anywhere and my nightmares are just that-NIGHTMARES!  

Let me interject here to say that I do not live my life in fear.  The Mankin relationship is firm and growing stronger by the day.  Grant and I have a wonderful relationship and I in no way question his fidelity, willingness to love and serve me or to what degree I have him whooped (Let's just be honest-he loves me like it's his job. He is amazing.).  It is this great love that causes me to know what my greatest loss would be.  I choose not to live in fear or doubt, but this weekend as I clicked through friends' pictures on Facebook and empathized with them in their new found state as single mothers or young widows, I was struck with a truth about my commitment to Grant in marriage.  I am completely and totally vulnerable to him.  I have no back up plan!  

Sitting in front of the computer I found myself filled with peace and warm at this realization.  God directed my thoughts to hear and to know, "This is just what I ask of you.  This is the kind of vulnerability I want from you.  With me, Vanessa, you don't need a back up plan.  You can sleep knowing that I will never, ever be affected by cancer or illness.  I will never leave you and I Am the only plan you need."    

My God has called me his bride and called me to be committed to Him with no fear and no back up plan.  Thank you Father, for asking for a relationship with me.  You bless me with the love of my husband that I can trust in, and you give me a love in you that is eternal.